Anger, if not responded to, becomes rage, and then it becomes hate.
If you have anger and resentment toward your birth mother, I think it's OK to express that. If there's something you want to get off your chest, I think you should, don't worry that it is inappropriate. She may actually experience relief that there's an opportunity to have a conversation with you about what happened, and what she did, and the whys - even if you interpret them as excuses, she may see them as reasons.
Happy Easter and Passover.
I agree that anger can escalate to other emotions - sometimes rage or hate but sometimes just confusion and avoidance - or trial and error. It is not always an emotion that becomes more solidified, more organized. sometimes it can cause an inner self-loathing that is quite self-destructive and disorganizing, dismantling.
ReplyDeleteit's a tricky thing, expressing true strong feelings, isn't it? generally i have found that some families have a good balance, and others don't. those that don't, seem to always have problems. once someone decides to be expressive, the others decide they need to compete and be equally expressive even if they have no strong conviction. it can cause a lot of issues learning when and how to express what is necessary, and what is not.
BUT i agree with you, i think it is better to err on the side of trying than not. :)
Thanks, Kaisa:
ReplyDeleteWell in my case it hasn't been too complex. My father and all siblings bolted and left me alone with our mother, known to be dangerous and violent towards her children. None of them ever apologized or even acknowledged that anything was out of the ordinary in our family situation. What they did do, consistently, was make it clear that if I ever get in trouble (their words, not mine) or need emotional support, they would not get involved - and they don't have any money, they don't have any money, and don't ask them for any money! What a bunch of cowards. They felt guilty so they tried to just keep me out of their lives as much as they were able. Well I spent my entire life proving to them that I could live, without any involvement from them or even any emotional support. I then decided that a relationship like this had no value at all, and I got rid of all of them, 26 years ago, and for the first time - had some peace of mind and a feeling evolving that I am an asset as a person, not just a liability. I hate them, it is my right.
My post in theory, was directed toward my older son. He is far too angry at me and resentful to even consider acknowledging me; I have apologized to him in a letter, which was not answered. I wanted to say (although he will never see the post), that it's OK to feel anger, resentment, even hatred. I am quite familiar with having hatred toward my family members. If there's something he would like to get off his chest, I hope he will eventually, as it might make life look less bleak for him in terms of his beginnings and his mother, even if he never wants any relationship with me. His feelings are his right. My family treated me as if my feelings are not my right - and so I would never do that to him.
Thanks for your comments.
New and old, I suspected your comment might be to your older son. When I read it the first time, closer to when you posted it, I didn't comment because of that. But having felt my own anger lately and learning more about it, I thought I'd share - dunno if it could ever be relevant to either of your son's or not but food for thought. You are an incredibly powerful person to be where you are now. I really admire how you have dealt with things especially rejection from family members.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you use your blog in a similar way as I do sometimes, just to put out the thoughts and feelings. For me it's been a really good thing to give a voice to those even if only in text.