I haven't been able to post anything further, as it just seems too painful, and I do have a lot of good and bad thoughts going back and forth in my mind about everything. It's really a sad and painful roller-coaster. But I can report on one development about which I have felt certain for awhile. I hope it may help others who read it.
For almost 40 years, I could easily pinpoint the worst day of my life - the day I had my first baby. The second worst day, was having the second baby. There was no doubt about it.
Now that I am in a tentative reunion with my younger son, I have to say, he is beautiful! Even if he weren't, I would still love him. He lives, he has life, he has youth. How could that be any worst day of anybody's life, when he came into the world?
My older son does not want anything to do with me and does not want to even hear about me, and his reasons are justified. Still, if I ever am able to see him in person, or talk to him, that will qualify as the happiest day in my life. I am sure about that.
Mothers, I have read very sad posts on a couple of blogs, from adoptees whose birth mother said it was the worst day of her life, when the adoptee was born. If you can, try not to say that, - as it isn't the fault of your adoptee; your words will be hurtful - And things might look different at some point, and you may change your mind. It's OK to think that, though. Giving birth is very painful! It's the closest a woman can come to death, without actually dying. And I wouldn't wish that on any woman, unless she wanted her baby.
Giving birth - the worst. A new life in the world, though - the best.
Hope springs eternal, and there is renewal, even if you have given up your child for adoption. Try to remember, you did the best you were capable of. If you are in pain and even panicky, it's understandable - but try to shield your adoptee from your own pain. Not easy, but possible. It will help you, as well as your adoptee.
The worst day of my life? Now it's hard to say. But the former 2 "worst days" are now off the list.
