I am a birth mother who gave up my two children in a private placement adoption (to a couple who were friends of a friend - this couple could not have any children - and I remembered the husband from school). At the time, my children, both boys, were approaching 4 and 5 years old - I was becoming increasingly concerned, and it was time to do something to protect them and their future.
I grew up in a fatherless home. Although my parents were married for over 20 years, my father disappeared early in my life, didn't contact me in any way, and did not pay any child support. I met him after I was an adult; and chose not to have a relationship with him - after knowing him, I just didn't respect him. That seemed to make the decision easy.
I married at 18, and my husband was taking a lot of hard drugs and was violent and abusive. He made me pregnant on purpose, to force me to marry him (he admitted), threatened to kill me when I said I wanted a divorce, choked me, and beat me very badly as punishment for leaving him, which I did after 2 years of marriage.
He then refused to pay any child support to try to force me to come back to him (I heard this from his parents!)
He also harassed me at work, and I almost lost my job (the sole support for me and my babies).
My family stayed as far away from this situation as they could, and I had no one to help, but had to depend on the police and the courts, who in the 70's were not very helpful, - although they did arrest my husband for beating me and he was sentenced to 3 days in jail.
He did some other violent things during the pendency of our divorce, and I had him arrested a few more times, and had a restraining order in place. He was telling all his friends that he was just going to kill me and get it over with.
I struggled along with my 2 kids, alone, for almost 3 years thereafter. We received food stamps, but I was not making enough to provide any kind of a comfortable life for any of us. Paying the rent - and a full-time babysitter - was almost all I could do with my paycheck.
I did want them to have a father - especially since they were boys - a good father who would be a role model and mature - No drugs, no mental illness, no violence, no abuse. I had my husband's parental rights terminated, due to his drug use, physical abuse of me and our children, and not paying any child support.
I was contacted by my younger son, before Thanksgiving. He is 37 now, and my older son, who is 38, wants nothing to do with me. I understand his feelings and point of view.
My ex-husband is still living, and it sounds (from what my younger son has said) like he is still quite crazy. I have been straightforward with my younger son about everything that happened to me, at the hands of his birth father, and my reasons and thinking in putting up the two boys for adoption. I am trying to straddle the fence now and must respect my younger son's desire to have a relationship with his birth father (his adoptive father died many years ago, and the boys are not speaking to the adoptive mother.) My son is aware that his birth father is not mentally stable, and has promised not to tell him anything at all about me. But it seems like it's only a matter of time, and I am scared.
I was quite relieved at Thanksgiving to find out that my sons are both stable, happily married, drug-free and alcoholism-free. Their stable environment did not last forever, but their adoptive father was a wonderful role model and he (and, to a lesser extent, their adoptive mother) raised them with sensitivity, kindness and values - something their natural father, and also I, their natural mother, could not do.
I hope that with this blog I can provide some help, rapport, or at least a sensitive, sympathetic ear to any other birth mothers who have faced some of the issues. It is very sad to be abused and brainwashed into thinking it is what you deserve. I didn't want my children to grow up that way, either from treatment from my ex-husband, or from me.
I hope to post updates and perhaps some words of wisdom (if I come up with any!)
I can say that the other night I was in a black mood, and if I had talked to my son, I probably would have said something very hurtful. I have a lot of anger at my ex-husband and it can transfer easily to my child (as it did in the past). There are a lot of emotions that come to the fore for a birth mother, and I'm still struggling to identify them, never mind deal with them. I hope that I can control what I say, when I speak to my son.
